1. |
It's Underwhelming
03:03
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I don't get bummed out when you don't answer your phone. I know you're busy with a million things and it's okay. But, I get bummed out when you finally answer you phone and you've got nothing to say. Everybody's got those things they feel they're obligated to do. I just never thought that I'd be one of those things for you. Now I'm dreading running into you at Zeno's or any of the other hipster-hole-in-the-wall's that we thought that only we know. It's underwhelming, the way I've been living. I need more distractions now that you're gone. It's only a matter of time before you see my depression beard. I know you'll fucking hate it. You always thought my facial hair was weird. But, you won't find me walking outside of your apartment. I'm afraid I'd see past iterations of "you and I" passing by in the darkness. It's underwhelming, the way I've been living. I need more distractions now that you're gone. "Get me home. I've had too much." Throw away everything. "The romanticism of sadness is starting to rust." It's underwhelming, the way I've been living. I need more distractions now that you're gone. It's overwhelming the amount of feelings I should feel but I don't. I DON'T THINK THAT I'M HEALING.
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2. |
Subsequent Priorities
02:49
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I try not to take things too personally, but that's hard when you have the choice and don't choose me. It's little things; that's why I didn't bring it up from the start. But, it's hard when those little things weigh heavy on my heart. Some times I think I think too much. I'm sick and tired and scared and cold and I don't think you give a fuck anymore. Some times I think way too much. What a major fucking bummer. Save your breath, I'm going out. I'll catch the next bus and drink so much that I fucking drown. I would never be your first priority. That'd be inconsiderate. But, all subsequent priorities become lesser version of their original intent. Some times I think you don't think about anyone but yourself. I'm sick and tired and scared and cold and I don't think you give a fuck anymore. For the night, I'll hide my face behind this glass of Yuengling that's been placed in front of me by my friends. I'm sick and tired and scared and cold. All the bullshit that you pulled is trying its best to pull me down. I'll smile as I lose ground. I'm sick and tired and scared and cold and I don't think you give a fuck anymore. For the night, I'll hide my face behind this glass of Yuengling that's been placed in front of me by my friends, and I'll forget about you.
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3. |
Josh Early
02:18
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Monday morning's a fresh start. I've got a list of things I need to do. Study for exams, makes amends for what I said to my friends. But, I won't accomplish anything if I can't even crawl out of bed. For better or for worse, I need to get well first. I can't keep relying on tomorrow as an excuse to forget about today. For my sake, or whatever, I need to do things better. I know that I won't go out alone, so worry not if I don't answer my phone right away. At least I got out on [Monday]...nights are so fucked: stress piled on fear soaked in tears. Six months culminating in a manic-depressive high wire act. And, I can only toast to "Wherever this goes..." At least I won't go out alone. For better or for worse, I need to get well first. I can't keep relying on tomorrow as an excuse to forget about today. For my sake, or whatever, I need to do things better.
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4. |
Netflix Original Series
01:56
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I wake up, but not on purpose. Reluctantly, I crawl out of your sheets. I push my skateboard in a sprint two blocks just in time to wave to my bus as it leaves. This is feeling like my life in a sequence: chasing things I need, late to the party doing things that I don't. Hit the reset button, I'm getting back in bed. Turn my phone off, lock the front door, I'm waving the white flag. Though, the shit may recede temporarily, like a swelling tsunami it will eventually envelope me. One more week until I can collect the scattered pieces of myself. Seven more days of sitting on the porch cold and alone, cold and alone. This is feeling like my life in a nutshell: drowning in a deluge of "my own fault." My last words will be "Oh well..." Hit the reset button, I'm getting back in bed. Turn my phone off, lock the front door, I'm waving the white flag. Though, the shit may recede temporarily, like a swelling tsunami it will eventually envelope me. I'm sorry sometimes I can't deal with the stresses and emotions that I feel. Babababababa.
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5. |
Parco Molo
02:58
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I've been failing and flailing as of late, and if this comes as a surprise, I guess this isn't going so great. Ambiguity and the management thereof are not strengths of mine, but I'd give it a rest for just a small portion of your extra time. No, its great not spewing bullshit constantly, though it'd be nice to know where I stand at the end of the week. College won't teach you the art of conversation but I figured nihilist ethics course would teach you to give a damn. Tell me one more time that I'm overreacting; that I've got no reason to fret; 10 reasons from a Buzzfeed article why I should live without regret; contradictions and sweeping strokes fail to uncover the real reason why I feel like I'm always about to choke. Don't preach to me, I was never one for religion. Please be careful tonight; you could die from a fall from a high-horse of that height. Allow me the dignity of covering my own ears. The severance of autonomy will do nothing but multiply my fears. Don't 'good morning' me. This resolution won't require trite pleasantries. Besides, my only resolve, you see, is to remove the piece of you that lives in me. Tell me one more time that I'm overreacting; that I've got no reason to fret; 10 reasons from a Buzzfeed article why I should live without regret; contradictions and sweeping strokes fail to uncover the real reason why I feel like I'm always about to choke. Tell me one more time that I'm worthless to you; that you've got no reason to stay; 10 reasons from a Buzzfeed article why we should end this all today; contradictions from back to front uncover the real reason why I'll never be what you want.
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6. |
Your Roommate Hates Me
03:01
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So, you're mad, and I get that. I'll come home, we can be mad together. I don't want you to be alone right now. When you're bummed out and I'm too drunk to say anything that makes sense, I'll just sit here next to you. God knows what else I would do but sit here, drink my tea, and turn the Netflix on, and fall asleep. Huh. Fuck me. I'm doing it again: disregarding angry text messages from my friends. "Where am [I]?" "What [am I] doing?" "Where did [I] go?" I left my own party to venture to you in the snow. Now I'm standing on your porch, knocking on your door. To rip of Edgar Allen Poe I'll quoth your roommate, "Nevermore." She loathes me, but that's okay. She's not the one I wake up for everyday. I want to be there when you're falling apart, because I need you when I am falling apart. You can ask me favors because I'll ask for them, too. Please go back to bed. I feel better. I'll sleep down here on the couch under your roommates sweater. No wonder she hates me and wonders why you date me. I'll shower her with compliments tomorrow. I'll make breakfast in bed, though I know you hate the crumbs. The inevitable fight we'll have won't leave me bummed. How could you be mad at me? I've got bacon, and waffles, and Starbucks brand coffee. I want to be there when you're falling apart, because I need you when I am falling apart. You can ask me favors because I'll ask for them, too. I love you.
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Dharma's Initiative Portland, Maine
Portland, ME
"To rip off Edgar Allen Poe I'll quoth your roommate, 'Nevermore.'"
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